i watched a film in class today called “american history x.”
it was absolutely phenomenal. the acting, the plot, and everything else. i’ll be honest, it did scar me, a little bit. of course everyone knows about racism - we see it everyday: in the media, in schools, at the mall, and everywhere else. it’s not something a person can just hide away from. it’s one of those things that sticks to you like dirt you can’t wash off.
i’ve never fully understood racism. it’s just something that has been there since day one, with my parents saying, “treat everyone the same as you would want to be treated, no matter where they come from.” i’ve lived with those words my whole life.
in school, my teachers would talk to us about martin luther king jr. and rosa parks, two black americans who stood up for what they believed to be right. my teachers would all say that race doesn’t define who we are, we define who we are. if that makes any sense. we make our own, personal mistakes, and pay for them ourselves. we shouldn’t bring down a whole group of people just because they share one physical characteristic.
racism doesn’t make sense. at least, not to me. how can you look at a person and decide, “i’m not going to like them because they are this specific colour.”
colour is just one fragment of our bodies. rip all this skin off and we’re all flesh and blood underneath. you couldn’t tell a black person from a white person and an asian from a brown person if we didn’t have this thing called skin. and that’s all it really is, isn’t it? skin.
people disgust me sometimes, they really do. i won’t lie, i have been ill-treated in the past due to my race, more than once. but i value human respect and kindness over all else and i won’t let something that was there one minute and gone the next drive my life. i won’t let them win because if i fight back, if i begin to hate from where they come, will i be able to look at myself in the mirror and say, “i’m proud of who i am?”
because i know i won’t and the last thing i want to do is disappoint myself for something as little as skin pigmentation.
it’s not the race that’s the problem, it’s the humans.
there’s something about me that i can’t help but notice hurts everyone and i know it does, but i can’t seem to turn away from it. i try to be the best person i can, yet, it becomes so difficult at times and i wonder what is to gain in putting forth so much effort.
while my mother is away, i have the weight of an entire family on my shoulders. siblings are never easy to take care of and my dad, he’s entirely something else. nothing i do ever pleases him. it never has. i know he only means well when he says, “sophie, you don’t work hard enough in school. you need to get your grades up!” but it’s hard to listen to him at times. he goes to work and he talks about it later, as if he’s the only man in existence who’s ever had to work for a living. it seems rather harsh to say this, but he’s quite selfish in this sense. he only ever sees what he’s done and fails to notice the rest of us still exist.
my sister says he and i share that quality and that frightens me more than anything. being the eldest in such a large family is a burden. i’m thankful for all that i have, but in my own, i know that i deserve it. i’ve been through so much to get to where i am now, i’ve truly earned my place. i know so much more than people my age do. i’m wise in a way i’ve never known anyone else to be. i see things, i understand them, and even when i act like i don’t, i do. i’ve felt defeat, i’ve felt sadness, i’ve felt hurt. it is not to say others have not, but the weight that i carry, at the age in which i should be living to my fullest, it’s unbearable.
i sound selfish now and that was not my intention. i just want to say this because it feels like no one really cares what i do anymore. nothing i do seems to make anyone happy. i don’t mean to make those around me upset. i don’t mean to harm them in anyway or destroy their image of me. but when will the time come when i can openly be me and not have to care what others think?
that means the end of the past year and the beginning of a new one.
there are so many things which have altered my life greatly this year and i honestly still don’t know if these things are all good. they probably aren’t.
this year, i am going to graduate from high school. i have never been so excited for anything in my life. i just need to get away. away from this school, from the same people, away from this town and its every day normality. i need change. i need it so desperately, i sometimes wonder how i haven’t done anything yet to capture it.
i hope to be a different person this year. i hope to make amends with those who i have hurt intentionally and unintentionally. i hope to make my parents proud of their daughter. i hope to make my siblings grateful to have someone like me as their older sister. i hope to make friends, friends who will love me the same as i will love them. i hope to achieve the grades for university and move on to a happier future.
i hope for all these things and i can only hope more, that they will happen.
i hate getting up in the mornings now. i feel tired and irritated and frustrated and angry. i don’t like to push the covers off me and stand up and go to the bathroom and then meet my family downstairs for breakfast. i don’t like doing any of it.
every day is becoming more and more of a struggle and even though i hate feeling this way, i sort of like it, too. it’s the only thing that’s consistent in my life anymore.
i think i messed up my presentation for my society class today. i was so scared to go up and present and i think i chose the wrong song and just…everything’s so messed up.
i really do hope i did well. i can’t bear the thought of a bad mark. my parents would be disappointed in me and i’d be even more upset with myself. i’m trying so hard to do well this year, so i can manage the grades for univesity, yet nothing i do is cutting it. i barely make it past the mark i need for the university of choice. i’m so angry with myself.
this was supposed to be my year of changes. good changes, but they didn’t happen.
everyone was so excited about it and i was too. i don’t know why, but it’s cool. just like 11/11/11 was.
i understand it’s just a date and there’s really no point in celebrating a date, but it’s okay to be kiddish sometimes and enjoy the stupid little things. at least, i think so. it keeps us young longer.
my dad doesn’t agree. but to be honest, i don’t care what he thinks anymore. i know he’s my dad, and i really do love him, but our ideas always conflict and our conversations consistently end in an argument where neither side can win because we’re both extremely stubborn. you know what they say: two similar personalities can never be friends.
to be honest, i don’t know why exactly i do these sorts of things to myself. why time and time again, i do certain things that i just know will hurt me but i do them anyway because i’m that stubborn.
i read, as you can probably tell. i read a lot. i read everything and anything (okay, maybe not everything).
in the stories, there’s always these wonderful characters that make you want to be just like them and go looking for people just like them, too. they’re extraordinary, they really are. i have a bad habit of losing myself within these stories, and that cannot be good for anything. but i just can’t seem to help myself. the world around me wilts away and it’s just me, the book and the brilliant fantasy the characters are living in and for that one hour in the afternoon when everything is quiet like you wouldn’t believe, i feel this odd tranquility that vanishes before i grasp it whole.
i fall in love with these characters and i don’t know what to do. i fall in love with each and every one of them and for every perfection and every flaw, i love them even more. because like people in reality, these characters are true. they make mistakes and they learn from them. but unlike reality, they somehow, are lucky enough to get second chances. they are lucky enough to still be with that one person who they hurt more than a handful of times, yet they keep coming back and why? because they love them.
love is so strange. i will never understand the concept. how can two people love each other so incredibly much that nothing else will ever matter? but even more so, when do we know we’re enough for someone else? when do we feel complete?
i reckon i have far too many questions and no one to answer them. i would ask people i know, but they would push me away with pitiful looks because to them, i’m just another crazy teenager who hasn’t figured her life out yet and is still contemplating whether living is such a good idea after all.
you’re probably wondering why i decided to write this kind of a letter to you today. but you must know, my letters are quite random. i reckon they always will be and i apologize for my ramblings.
during my study period at school (which is two hours, by the way), i had nothing to do after i finished my assignments. so, i logged onto a website and began scrolling through recently updated/completed works. one story in particular, caught my attention.
i’ll tell you now, i’ve always been a sucker for historical fiction. there’s just something about it that makes me smile. anyway, as i began reading the story, i was instantly pulled in. from the first few sentences, the manner in which the writer strung her (at least, i think it was a her) words together was beyond anything i could ever dream of. it was all magical, it really was. enchanting, too.
the way her characters molded together to create something so beautiful brought tears to my eyes and i found myself laughing, crying and yelling, ‘no!’ all at the same time. it was a great experience. i am extremely thankful to the writer and her talent knack for writing. i can only hope to be as good as her/him one day. i’ll also add that maybe, someday, i’ll find a crazy, kind and lively prince of my own, as cliche as that sounds. sometimes, cliches are good. they’re like old halloween candy that come in handy when there’s nothing else to eat in the house.
so i’ve been watching the x factor uk and today was the finals result show. i was so nervous to find out who would win. both finalists (jahmene douglas and james arthur) are brilliant. but there has to be one winner because that’s just how these competitions work. i don’t quite like how they work, but i don’t think my opinion makes a difference.
anyway, in the end, james came out the winner! everyone was so happy, you wouldn’t believe it. there was confetti, people were cheering and james looked like he wanted to cry. i’m truly proud of him, even if i don’t know him in reality.
i know what it’s like to be in a bad place and want so badly to get out of there. i’m so glad he’s out of there now and i wish him and jahmene both the most amazing futures. if i ever get a chance to, i’m going to both their concerts. i can’t wait.
i think both of them made their families proud. as they should. they’re so talented.
i hope i do something in the future that will make my family proud, too. i think i’ll try hard to make it, just like they did. then maybe someone will cheer and be happy for me as well.
i don’t know if this is strange, but other people’s happiness means so much to me. i don’t have to know them personally or anything, but just to see someone smiling makes me smile too. i like seeing people happy and joyful.
yesterday night, one of my favourite singers was nominated for a grammy (song of the year). his very first. i’m literally off the wall ecstatic for him. sometimes i wish i knew him personally, just so i could share in on the happy parade. but i’m okay just being a fan and watching from the sidelines. his smile and happiness is so amazing. i hope he’s happy forever.
i also hope he wins and then i’ll have some cake.
maybe chocolate cake with loads of sprinkles. that sounds brilliant, huh?
today is meant to be the ‘first day of the rest of my life.’
we received our pin numbers for university today. my whole brain is scattered and i don’t know what to do. have you ever felt that way? like you knew what you wanted, and you knew how to get it, but you just…couldn’t decide in the end whether you truly wanted it or not?
i hope that’s not too confusing. i have difficultly explaining certain situations.
i want my life to go in a positive direction. i want things to be okay. but it’s just so darn hard for me to contemplate my future to actually be that way. i’ve messed up so many times in the past, that i just know i’ll do the same in the future.
and that terrifies me.
i want to make the correct decision now so i don’t look back and wish i had picked or done something else. i don’t want to pity myself into a bad state again.
i want to do something right for once. just once.
i hate that we have to know what we want to do right now. why can’t they give us more time? let us grow a little older, so we’re more mature to make these kinds of life-changing decisions. i will never be able to forgive myself if i make a mistake now.
the pros of going to college obviously beat the cons. they always do. going to college means getting a degree, better opportunity at landing a job and a potential family. but what if i’m not ready for college?
i don’t think i am.
there’s so much i want to do before i’m labelled a number, strapped to a seat, and given ten textbooks to read. i want to go out and see the world, meet people, explore and do all the other crazy stuff i’ve only ever dreamed about.
but that costs money, and i don’t have a job or the financial support for it. it seems like everything these days is joined by a trail of bills. before we know it, air will cost a nickel a minute.
thinking about college scares me. thinking about not going to college scares me, too. i really don’t know what to do and i need to figure it out soon before it’s too late and i, once again, become the laughing stock of my family.
i don’t like my extended family. you know, the ‘family’ which consists of your aunts and uncles and cousins and whatever more there is. yeah.
when i was younger, i did like them. a lot. everything seemed so peaceful. but i guess that’s what makes kids, kids. we’re naive and don’t understand the depth of situations and how easily things break apart.
i do understand now how fast things can break apart. it’s awful.
i wish i knew how to love them all, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins. but i don’t. every time i think things will be okay for once, it doesn’t actually happen and i’m back at phase one. i keep starting over and over again and no one cares.
the basis of all this is the fact that we all hate each other. we just do. i don’t know why or how this came to be. but we all hate one another and i don’t know what to do about any of this.
when i was twelve or thirteen years old and someone asked me about love, i said it didn’t exist. which is sort of funny since my parents were madly in love when they got married and i am their child. i don’t know what made me so different minded than them to say love didn’t exist.
as i grew up, however, i started to believe that maybe love did exist, but you just had to look really hard for it. like, really, really hard. i don’t think i have it in me to look that hard. i’m quite lazy, to be honest.
there is a song, by the beatles, that i really like. it’s called, “i want to hold your hand.” it’s a very special song to me. i’m not a very touchy-feely sort of person, but i think holding hands is nice. i see pictures all the time of couples holding hands and they look so happy.
i wonder what that happiness feels like. i wonder if it actually makes someone’s heart ‘burst out of their chest.’
i hope i get to hold someone i like’s hand one day. i hope i fall in love with them. i also hope, they kind of fall in love with me, too, and we can go on a trip outside and do fun things together and not care about anything.
so it’s the end of the first day of december and to be honest, i had a relatively calm day. nothing grand happened, really. i did some homework and watched a film (tuck everlasting) and it was quite interesting. cute and very disney-isque.
do you ever imagine what life would be like if we were all characters in a disney production? i think it would be amazing. i know it’s not realistic, but it’s nice to think about. the sad girl would meet her prince charming. the lonely kid would find his parents. the evil dragon wouldn’t really be evil, just misunderstood.
so it’s the last day of november. i could have sworn november began just a few days ago and now it’s finished. it’s strange how quickly time passes lately. one minute, we could be doing something and then the next, it’s ended and we’re starting all over again. time’s so different. or maybe my view on time is different. maybe i just don’t understand time anymore.
in one of my classes today, my teacher had us go around the classroom and say one positive thing about the person sitting next to us. everyone thought it was a lame idea and to be honest, i did as well. but then we got started and i realized how insanely heart-warming it was.
the boy sat next to me (whom i’m friends with, i think) had to get up and say one positive thing about me and then i had to say one positive thing about the girl sat next to me and so on.
would you like to know what he said?
he said, “(my name) i like your laugh.”
i can’t believe that. it was really odd for me to hear because i despise my laugh. i don’t know if he was lying, but even if he was, i’m okay with that. in the time he made that lovely comment, i was happy and i couldn’t stop thinking about it. incidentally, i hope what i said about the girl sat next to me made her happy, too. i hope she remembers it sometime and smiles just like i’m smiling now.
knowing you can made someone smile has to be the best feeling in the world, or at least, i think so.
my sister knows i do this, but no one else does, and i’ll be truthful, i don’t do it on purpose. i don’t even think it’s possible to do it voluntarily.
when i’m asleep…i sort of get this goofy smile on my face and my sister says it creeps her out. i don’t blame her. if i saw someone sleeping with a smile on their face, i’d wonder what was wrong with them, too.
the truth is, sometimes, i have these really nice dreams where i’m a completely different person than who i am now. i’m not so strange or clueless and i’m constantly happy.
i wish i knew where this place was or who the people in my dreams are. i really wish they were real. i wish i could be the person i am in my dreams all the time.
a month or two ago, i had dreamed a special dream. what happened was that i was at a coffee shop and i was reading a book (i don’t know what the book was called). the shop was filled with people that day and i was literally the only one by herself. everyone else had someone with them.
anyway, a group of boys came in while i was in the midst of reading. one of them couldn’t find a seat and since i had an extra chair, he asked me very nicely if he could have the one i wasn’t using. i said, “of course” and he said, “thanks.”
i expected him to leave after that. but he didn’t. i don’t know if he felt sorry for me being all alone and such, but he started asking me questions about the book and then why i was sat all alone. i told him the book was wonderful and that my friends were all busy so they couldn’t come out with me. he looked back at his friends hesitantly after that and then the most unexpected thing happened…he sat down across from me. he didn’t ask anymore questions about why i was alone, but instead, he started talking about everything else.
he was funny and had the bluest eyes i had ever seen. they were so pretty. we talked and talked and talked and even when his friends were leaving, he stayed behind. i told him he should go, but he said he’d rather sit and talk with me. i think that was around the time i started smiling and the dream was broken by my sister asking me why.
it’s quite sad, if i do say so. dreams are sometimes so lovely and yet, they only last for a night.
sorry i never got to write to you yesterday. i was a little busy. if you’re wondering what i was up to, well, i was cleaning my bedroom and doing homework for most of the day. then, before i went to bed, i watched the 2005 version of ‘pride and prejudice.’ the one with keira knightly and matthew macfayden (i always misspell his last name).
it truly is a lovely film. i was drawn to it within seconds. i don’t know if it was the acting in general, or the beauty of jane austen’s time that allured me. all i can say is that it was honestly one of the nicest films i’ve ever seen.
i want a mr. darcy of my own. i really do. he’s a wonderful man and he is quite kind. i won’t bore you with my talking of ‘kindness’ again. i reckon i did that a letter or so ago. i don’t remember. i just think if more mr. darcy’s existed in the world, girls wouldn’t be so unhappy. but then that also goes for elizabeth bennett if there were more of her, boys wouldn’t run away either.
i wonder what changed in people over the years. how can we change so quickly in time? i may not have lived in that time period, and i may not know too much about it, but i can honestly say that i wish i had lived in it instead of now.
i enjoy internet and running tap water, but everything seemed so innocent back then. the people, the fashion, the way of speaking and everything is so different from how it is now.
i’d give anything to take a glimpse of that time. i want to know what changed.
before i forget, tomorrow’s a school day. i have that writing class i told you about first period. i am not looking forward to it. at all. i want to stay home, under my covers, listening to ed sheeran instead.
but as an irish boy once sang, “reality ruined my life.”
my sister says i’m a hopeless mess and that i won’t ever be happy because i’m so messed up. i don’t want to believe her, but she’s probably right. she’s rarely ever wrong.
i have awful commitment issues. my sister says, “you can’t keep one friend, how are you ever going to keep a husband?” i don’t know how to answer that.
i wish i knew how to tolerate people more. i don’t really hate anyone. it’s just that, i have this ‘fantasy’ of what i want in a friend and no one ever lives up to it. that sounds terrible, i’m sorry. i just wish i could have one friend that knew me inside and out, listened to what i had to say and slapped me in the face when i was on the verge of destroying our friendship. i really need that.
but then again, maybe i’ll always stay this way. maybe my husband will walk out on me too. i’m insane. i’m crazy. i’m worthless. i’m lazy.
today, i went to the court house with my dad. it was a very important day for him, so he needed me for moral support. i was excited to go, to be honest. i’ve never been to a court house before and new experiences are fun.
my dad’s lawyer is a very kind man. i don’t mean the sorts that will hold the door open for you or say excuse me if they bump into you, but the kind that makes me want to be a better person, too. he genuinely cared about my father’s issue and fought so hard for the case whereas so many others gave up.
i wonder where this kindness comes from. i believe someone was very kind to him at some point, so he is the same now. it’s sort of like paying it forward in a way. i’ll say now, i haven’t seen the film, but i know what it’s about. my teacher talks about it all the time. she says it’s brilliant and i believe her. she is a very kind person too and i wonder if watching the film had something to do with it. maybe my dad’s lawyer has seen it as well.
good people don’t come around very often. but i, with all my heart believe, good things happen to good people. i want to be a good person. i really do. i hope i am. or i will be. whichever one.
before i forget, have you heard the song ‘little things?’ i think it’s a beautiful song. it makes me sad and happy at the same time. i love niall’s part where he sings, “you’ll never love yourself half as much as i love you.” i think that’s quite something. i want to meet someone who will love me just like that and maybe, i’ll start to believe it too.
i used to keep a diary when i was really young, but then i stopped. my dad said they were stupid and a waste of time. i never thought so, but in my house, whatever he says, goes.
i don’t really know why i’m writing this now. do people write anonymous letters all the time? maybe? you probably don’t know either…i mean, i made you up, didn’t i?
anyway, today at school, we didn’t do much. we don’t ever do anything, to be honest. day after day, it’s the same thing. it’s quite a bore, but it’s school, so i must go. it’s law and my mum will be upset with me if i’m absent anymore times this year.
when i was a freshman in high school, all i could think about was: “i’m going to make the most out of my life before i go to college.” it’s strange how things work out sometimes. it’s been four years now, i’m a senior, and i haven’t done a thing. sure, little things, but nothing major. nothing like i wanted to do and no one i hoped to be friends with.
there is this one class i’m taking this term, i won’t tell you what it’s called, but it’s basically a class where you learn how to expand on your writing and such. it was supposed to be my favourite class of high school. i had been waiting to take it since i was fourteen.
i hate it.
i really do.
my teacher’s…well, he’s different. i’ve never had an instructor similar to him before. he’s very loud, and highly opinionated. that’s not a bad thing. opinions are good. we debate a lot in this class and i partly think it should be a philosophy class instead of a writing class. i think he said he was a philosophy teacher in the past, so maybe that’s it.
i really enjoy the debates. i have to be honest, though, i am terrible at debates. i can’t think fast enough and when i start talking, the words fall out faster than my mind can think them through. this has gotten me into much trouble in the past, so i don’t talk during debates anymore. i don’t participate at all, really.
i’m quite jealous of one girl, in particular. it’s frightening how alike she and i are. the only difference: she’s very confident. you can see it oozing out of her sometimes. maybe on the inside, she isn’t as confident, but she can hide it so very well. she says all these things i wish i could say. i want to be able to speak my mind like she does. but i’m scared people will think i’m stupid and irrational. i don’t want to be labeled either of those things.
besides, why would anyone want to hear something i have to say, when a prettier, smarter and more talented person, such as she herself, can say it? i’m 1000000000% sure they would rather hear it from her. i mean, i’d rather hear it from her too. i don’t really like my voice. it’s deep and i stutter and it must be annoying.
i don’t like being jealous. it makes me feel bad because my mum says i’m amazing the way i am. but i’m not. i’m really not. she just says those things because she has to. when i look at the photographs of my mum when she was my age, i want to cry. she was so beautiful. she still is. she had long, flowing hair and big eyes. my sister has eyes like that. they’re so pretty. why can’t i be like that? what’s the matter with me? i wish someone knew the answer to these things.
i have to do my homework now, so i guess i’ll stop here. thank you for listening to me and caring. or not caring. it doesn’t matter. at least you listened.